75% perfection

I have struggled with my weight for almost as long as I think I even knew weight existed, that it was a number to track. From puberty forward (and depending on how you define that, maybe longer), I cannot remember a moment in my life when my weight wasn't either too much and needed to be less, or it was OK, but just teetering there, waiting for my misstep. 
I don't know which is worse -- yearning for it or living with the pressure to hold onto it. 
 
This is not unlike a lot of people. 
My story isn't unique. 
I can tell you about the light-hearted joke, that I might not fit in a convertible in a certain pair of shorts. 
Or the boys who tauntingly called me Miss Piggy throughout middle school.
Or the shame changing in a locker room. Or the fear of wearing a swim suit at a pool party. Or not going to a pool party because I would have to wear a swim suit. Or the freshman 15(ish). 
Or  a million sideways glances in a mirror, wishing for a different sort of reflection. 
I can tell you all these things and they don't make me special. 
These wounds don't set me apart.
I only wish that what I do with them brings me peace. 

Peace, I do not yet have. 

Currently, at the back end of two very stressful and intense, back to back, initiations into motherhood, I am trying to claw my way back. 
I ate myself through those months of newborness. And then the months turned to years. One baby cried, and I ate Moe's. Another baby wouldn't sleep and I baked cakes & ate them and licked the frosting off the beaters. One toddler still won't sleep, and I am eating bowls of pasta.

Healthy living has always been a passion of mine. Nutrition, clean eating, exercise.  Clearly, I have not always been able to hold myself to the standards I might idolize. 
Today, while I put away my organic co-op share and planned healthy meals for my family, I ate three oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. All this while I was still in my sweaty workout clothes. 75% success? Am I at peace with 75%?

Obviously not. 

I want it all. I want to like what I see in the mirror and what I put on my plate. I want to not think about either one. 
I don't think that is in my future. Ever. 
 
A wise friend of mine told me tonight that we have to do what makes us happy. 
And I guess that what makes us happy doesn't necessarily make us perfect --

Leaving me continuing to struggle to find the balance between health and happiness. 
I see that in my future. Forever.